By Brian Hall
Saturday 05 Oct 2013 09:34:00
Browse all Brian Hall articles


Many years ago, a group of us used to laugh at EastEnders. ‘Ole Tizer bumping off Young Nazza, Lizza knocking about with Wozza on the side, and Owsa running off with Geeza, etc.  We had our own north east take, and felt we could do a better one in terms of where we lived at the time.


Well,  our idea has finally come to fruition. Except the NorthEastEnders soap is at our football club at SJP, with Big Fat Ashy in charge of the Queen Vic, also known as NUFC. And it is not a ridiculous soap opera – it is actually about real life.

 Big Fat Ashy  took over the pub a few years ago now, and decided it needed a good ‘ole doing over. He brought in one of his mates, Del Boy, to manage the bar, make sure the place was sorted, if you know what I mean, mate. The bar was ok, full of punters, but needed new direction.


Obviously, bar staff had to be sorted out, mate.  Like any pub, Ashy and Del Boy had to face some problems and deal with ‘em. After all, nobody messes with ‘ole Ashy, and if they dare, then they do so at their peril, mate.


At times, things kinda got so rough in there, that he tried to flog the f.......g place – he thought the punters were bloody wankers. But, when he asked too much money for the pub, he was stuck with it.

God, he has had some ‘edaches, mate.  Just one example.  At one point, ‘im and Del Boy appointed a new barman, Kev K, he called ‘imself. Christ, he was a pain in the arse, wouldn’t even work properly with Little Wisey. Even took Big Fat Ashy to court for unfair dismissal, and it cost poor Ash as well! Bastard.

 Not to mention that bloke calling ‘imself Big Al.  Who the f....k woz he, mate? Bloody jumped up pillock, who thought he was in bloody charge of the Queen Vic! ‘E was only a barman, for f....s sake.

Another bloke was appointed to take charge of serving the punters, as that Chrissie H bloke weren’t just aint socialable – didn’t even go the casino with Ashy and Del Boy. So, ‘ole Pards was brought in, to sort the bloody pub out. But it just were’nt good enough, mate.

It was time to bring Kinners back into the Queen Vic obviously.  ‘E had done a cracking job there before as a barman, but this time, it was better to make him the manager of Ashy’s bar.  Del Boy was a bit pissed off about this really, though, so ‘E f.......d orf.  Pards was still Head Barman though, so Ashy was ‘appy, mate . And if Pards was not ‘appy, he could f...k off too, if he didn’t like it.

The punters still bloody whinged on. They had even f......g kicked off when the pub was renamed! What did they want, mate – free f......g beer or summit? Ungrateful bastards. Some of ‘em  should just bloody well keep their mouths shut.  Pain in the f......g arse, they are.


Big Fat Ashy is now confident that Kinners  will sort it all out, yeh, know what i mean ,mate. ‘E told the bloody punters that they were stupid gits, and if they wanted to drink in Ashy’s bar, they should behave themselves. Or else.

Even a couple of months ago, there was a bloody comment near Albert  Square by that bloke calling ‘imself, Big Al. Sorted, mate. His little bar was taken out. No sign of his name now at that place, boys. The latest lot are on about Time For Change – they seem to be getting as many punters as possible together to get rid of Ashy.  Even talking about some kind of peaceful march around Albert Square and getting the bleeding tv and newspapers there.


Ashy don’t muck around, believe you me. He knows what ‘E is doing. But ‘e must be getting a bit pissed off with these ungrateful lot.

If I was him, I would just think of all the takings from this bloody bar have been worth the hassle,  bit of larf on the way, but it just aint worth the bother anymore. Just count your winnings, mate, and flog the bloody place.

Brian Hall

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