Gareth Southgate's Inbox
By Elle Brunton
Thursday 18 Jun 2009 16:00:00
Browse all Teesside Urban Legends articles


I'm sure the inbox of Gareth Southgate has been full to overflowing in the past few weeks/months. I wonder what kind of stack was waiting for him when he returned from his holidays this week. Requests from agents for non existent Serbians. Oh no that was in Eric Paylor's inbox. Maybe an invite to take a Boris Johnson style trip of apology to Mackem Stockton. Fond farewells from Malcolm Crosby, now filed under Round, Harrison and co. a Southgate removals firm. There would have been all sorts in there. He’ll probably wish he never went away.

He's certainly weathered similar storms before but if relegation was followed by a poor start in the Championship then that inbox might just catch fire. Then expect a P45 to be filed in the outbox.

Go back a couple of years and Gareth was under pressure at work. Fortunately we managed to sneak a look inside his email inbox (not really) and record the carnage therein for our Teesside Urban Legends book.

Chapter Six: The Inbox of Gareth Southgate

In April and November 2007, Boro were suffering dreadful runs, were hit with massive injury crises and things were looking bleak.

Those not too depressed to type cheered each other up by imagining the kind of emails Southgate might have been receiving. Job adverts, words of consolation and little notes from his players created a hilarious thread based around the potential contents of Gareth's inbox.

The inbox included confessions such as Jason Euell's:

Hi Gareth, I feel really guilty telling you this but I actually lied on my CV. I've never been a professional footballer. Hope you don't think bad of me.

Apologies once again.

Jase x

And a premonition of a certain Aussie's departure:

G'day Boss,

Just wondering how many flaming shots I've got to let in before you realise I want to jump in me ute and drive off into the distance...

Strewth, what a flaming dingo.

Yours Mark 'Skippy' Schwarzer

Ebay communications informed Gareth that he had been outbid for FA Coaching Badges by a Mr A. Shearer whilst Steve Gibson rejected Gareth's Facebook friend request.

The players raised concerns: F**k me. We didn't discuss this in the interview... Gaz O.

Meanwhile, Adam Johnson expressed his confusion at the state of the team he has returned to:

Yo boss, Am confused. You pulled me out of a Championship team to playing in a team that is heading for the Championship? Surely it would have been better gaining more experience getting out of it than going into it?

Then there were those who missed training. Aliadiere wrote: "ma amstring az opped out again" but assured Southgate he will play if the match is televised: "If we are on le tele on Samedi a will be ok for an ower".

Downing apologised for blowing off a match because "I'm DJing on the night at the Purple Onion and won't get back in time. Jinky said he would stand in for me if that is OK? Later-Stewy."

And in the spirit of Christmas, there is even a reply from Santa telling Gareth that he is sorry but "Even I can't get your team out of this".

To continue reading Gareth's inbox, pick up a copy of Teesside Urban Legends today.

Another chapter reviewed tomorrow...



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